I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
