he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
