I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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