So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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