Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
