well you can't waste a boner
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
