I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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