I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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