So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
