Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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