It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
