and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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