I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
