Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
