Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
