Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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