Don't make out with my wife yet
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Randomize
