Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just gift wrapped bread.
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I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
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The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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