I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
