dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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