when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
