I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
