Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
