I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
