so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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