tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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