I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
