i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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