You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
