btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
