hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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