I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
