at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Ketchup is God's man juice
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
