I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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