Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
