Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
