if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
