you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
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Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
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you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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