We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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