Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Randomize
