No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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