I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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