Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
