It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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