found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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