when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
