Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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