I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
