tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
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i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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