Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
