She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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