I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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