the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
