I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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